Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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