is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
