He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
