I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
