yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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