I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
