My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
