she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
