Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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