genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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