Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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