life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
