Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
