she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
