One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
