Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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