Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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