hotel room ftw
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm really busy with my period
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