the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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