this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
