I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
