You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
