you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize