I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
