we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
