How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
