I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
