I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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