its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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