nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize