New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
