My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
