They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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