I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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