my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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