Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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