dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
