matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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