You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
