A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
