The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize