Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize