why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm like, not good at living.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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