I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
