just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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