i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
