Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
