i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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