i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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