I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
