between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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