I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
