hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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