i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
